I feel like I am not a good person
My husband, my sister-in-law (best friend since middle school) and my therapist (who surprised me when she said this) say, "What? Why do you think that???"
I keep wondering... Why do I feel like this? My husband just asked me again, "Why?" My answer to him surprised even me - "because I feel like everyone around me is not happy with me."
"Why do I feel like everyone is not happy with me" - I ask myself...
Well I have to figure this all out, because it eats at me. I need to gut myself out to figure out why and what can make me a "good person."
How does one do this?
One might say - "Oh my, this lady has no confidence" This is not the case... I have been a very confident person since as long as I can remember... There was a time in my young life that I could have taken the "other" fork in the road to less confidence - thank goodness for my VERY strong mother who made sure I made the right choice when I was WAY too young to make the decision for myself.
That being said, I need to first define what a "good person" is in my opinion (I have a feeling this might change as I go on this journey...):
- Takes care of him/herself
- Thoughtfulness
- Goes out of him/her way for others
In the end - I am selfish. I feel like, other than my son, I put myself first.
Fear of judgement blocks me from going out of my way for the people I care the most about, which hurts me the most in the end and makes me feel like a horrible person. Either I feel like I do too much when others don't want it or I don't do enough when others need me. I constantly second guess myself - oh wow! This is were my confidence lacks... And I think I might have a few reasons behind why I feel like this. Later on this one - I am beginning to realize why this might be the case.
I feel extremely overwhelmed by how I feel, but these last couple of days have opened my eyes to realizing I NEED to figure out why "I feel like I am not a good person" and fix it (or at least work on it...).
Here I go...
you ARE a good person... all the things that you listed above you do; except taking care of yourself. But who, as a mother really does? I sure as heck can tell you I don't! Don't get down on yourself; I think I speak for all who know you when I say you are there for everyone you know in all times, joy and sorrow. And remember, when you're doing your 'mom thing' to your friends and family; the thing we all love :) that if someone doesn't necessarily acknowledge your 'being there' doesn't mean it is not GREATLY appreciated :) we love you!
ReplyDeleteI love you my sister. You are my inspiration. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ellen! Erin, you are there for your friends...no matter what the situation may be! I always know I can depend on you. Always. And without a doubt. I know we all have those moments in life, myself included, where we second guess ourselves, thinking we're making the wrong decisions and being a bad friend when all we really want to do is make everyone around us happy; a task that just isn't possible in every situation. I 100% understand how you feel and trust me, darling, you ARE a good person...a GREAT person, in fact. Whenever you question this, read these comments. And know that as you are always there for me, I am always here for you. Always. LOVE YOU!!! xoxo
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